Articles

Control Issues

Probably the ruination of more
relationships than any other single cause

Couples unwittingly fall into battles of control. The duality of right and wrong strikes a nerve in our sense of fairness, sometimes permeating a what's right for me should be right for you battle. But, there are many other types of battles that underlie controlling behaviors.

When you consider all the ways in which people may attempt to control another person, it is likely that none of us is void of at least one of them. People attempt to control with money, sex, withdrawing (physical presence, emotional, mental), temper tantrums, sulking, demanding behaviors such as: being taken care of and waited on, being helpless; possessiveness, jealousy, clinging (need you all the time), crying when they don't get their way, threatening to leave (or worse yet, to commit suicide), violent outbursts . . . and I am sure you can name a few more.

The person exerting the control nor the recipient of controlling behavior benefit. It is most natural to make concessions in a relationship in order to accommodate your partner but, when you make concessions to the point that you are no longer being true to yourself, red flags start flying. If these issues are not addressed, resentments and anger sets in. Prolonged situations of fighting a controlling partner result in individualism (self) getting lost. After a while, you question your self-identity and self-worth.

The partner attempting to control is continually faced with frustration because controlling anything outside of yourself is really an illusion. The only person you have any control over is yourself and even that might be questionable to some.

Control issues are seeded in fear. The only way to combat fear is with love. For every time you experience any of the feelings that evoke the need to control your partner through any of the areas mentioned above, sit down and examine it first. Ask yourself, how can I turn what I feel into a loving feeling rather than a fearful one? The mere act of changing the source of your feelings relieves you of the need to control your partner. If you don't believe me, just try it.

In dealing with the person who attempts to control you, first, you need to make a determination about whether your partner is awake or asleep; meaning, self-aware and improvement oriented or just the opposite. If your partner is aware, find the opportunity to discuss and make an agreement about breaking controlling habits in the relationship.

If your partner is sleeping, here is a gentle way to wake him/her up.

Examine the behavior and determine the root of the fear from which the behavior is stemming. But, there are rules to doing this.

1. Remember you cannot change another person - this is not what you are trying to do. Rather you are trying to get to the source of the behavior to find other ways to satisfy it to change the pattern in the relationship.
2. Get the control situation out of the way before you attempt to question your partner about it. At a later time, use a "remember the other day when" to bring it up again.
3. Even though you might think you know what the source of your partner's behavior it, don't assume. Ask your partner: When you are demanding like (use the example) and I give in even though I might not feel good about myself for doing it (or feel it is controlling), what specifically does it satisfy for you?
4. Listen to the answer, carefully.
5. Ask another question: Are there other times when you did not display (whatever the controlling behavior was) that satisfied this need?
6. Listen for the examples of things in which no controlling behavior was exerted and express how much more you enjoy doing those things because they didn't seem so demanding.
7. Be alert to the next time your partner exhibits the behavior you want and be sure to comment about it.

Sound like "Pavlov's" training? Well, positive reinforcement far outweighs the negative. Remember, your relationship started in love and your partner wants to continue loving you just as you want to continue loving your partner. Bad habits creep up but that does not mean they cannot be broken. In a relationship, it takes two to create a habit. Both parties participate in it.

The best way to treat a relationship is to recognize that it is the child born from your union. It has genes from the both of you but it is neither of you personally.

by Dianalyn Clayton, CGA, NLPP
(Site Developer)